The Worst Taste in Music

So said the English comedian Bill Bailey, as part of his act for his Part Troll tour and do you know what? He is exactly right. Long gone are the days when the charts would be populated mainly by a host of talented musical individuals or groups who not only played their own instruments, but wrote their own songs too. Sadly this is a dying artform, as we shall see from this little list of the worst of the charts over the years.

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  • 1.

    SOME COUNTRY AND WESTERN

  • 2.

    BOY BANDS

    I loathe all boy bands without exception. To me the purpose they serve is simple. They are manufactured to appeal to as many young girls and women as possible. They are a fine example of a cynical, and somewhat exploitative marketing ploy, that is used simply to boost profits of their parent company, or owner impresario and who contribute absolutely nothing in musical terms. They are the fantasy fodder of the Hannah Montana generation or the equivalent prior.
  • 3.

    THE SPICE GIRLS & THE “GIRL BANDS” THAT FOLLOWED

  • 4.

    NOVELTY ACTS

    “It’s not easy being green” sang Kermit the frogs’ young nephew Robin a while back now. It is not easy to have to listen to this garbage either. Is it just me who has a sense of utter dread when a tune of some form that seems to catch the ear of school children? You know that within two weeks, there will be 300,000 ring tones in the local community of some chicken pretending sing along to Mariah Carey in such a high pitched shrill voice, you can’t be sure if it is the original or not.
  • 5.

    MOST RAPPERS

  • 6.

    THE LIGHTHOUSE FAMILY

    The Lighthouse Family are the musical equivalent of general anaesthetic. There is nothing to dislike about this group at all and much to admire, but for the life of me I can’t get past the fact that as soon as I hear the first few bars of anyof their songs I start to doze off. I am sure their albums could be used as a cheap alternative medicine for those with sleeping disorders.
  • 7.

    KATY PERRY

    She kissed a girl and she liked it. Please, tell me something I don’t know. As hard as it may be to believe, I’ve kissed a girl and I liked it too. I wouldn’t necessarily write a song about it because I believe it to be a noteworthy fact. Most girls are rather pleasant to kiss, whether you are a man or a lady. This is obviously a song to get her noticed and it certainly worked. I look forward to the follow ups. “I ate some chocolate, I liked it!” and “George W Bush, he f*cked up!”
  • 8.

    “FAMILY” POP GROUPS

    Is it me or can you almost see the webbed fingers with the Osmonds? You’d have thought that a family brought up in the Mormon hotbed of Utah would have had enough genetic diversity to have avoided this, but it seems not so. Who thought that the cheerily chubby Little Jimmy Osmond, who had a hit with “Long Haired Lover from Liverpool”, could be a pop star, rather than just being a predictable victim of the school bully?
  • 9.

    DIVAS

  • 10.

    MADONNA

    There is so much to admire about Madonna. Her longevity, her staying power, her continual reinvention of musical style, the fact that no two albums of hers ever sound alike and that she appeals across the board. However as good as you look, please stop gyrating around the dance floor in a leotard. There us something just that little bit disconcerting about it. A bit like the feeling you would have if you caught your grandma on stage with Dita Von Teese in an oversized champagne glass.
  • 11.

    DEATH METAL

    Death metal I cannot even begin to fathom. It seems to me that the aim of the bands in this genre of music is to make as much loud noise as is humanly possible, ensure that your lyrics cannot be understood by anybody by screaming them at a pitch that only dogs can hear, or emitted in such a gravely, growling voice that it sounds like you are auditioning for a part in the next Exorcist movie.
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