How Your Computer Seeks to Irritate
The modern world has been changed beyond recognition over the past twenty five years, chiefly by the invention of the personal computer. Our home and work habits are now often governed by these useful, labour saving devices, to the point now where life without them seems, for many at least, almost unthinkable. However despite their proliferation and popularity in society, there is a darker side to them. There are plenty of ways in which your PC will contrive to ruin your day…
MICROSOFT SOFTWARE BUGSHow many downloads has your version of windows made to rectify a “problem”? Is it in the thousands yet? Add to that the fiasco that was the Vista release, a piece of software with more bug holes than Tutankhamen’s Y-fronts. More worryingly for Microsoft, I have not even mentioned some of the Microsoft Office suite of programs which contains more illogical quirks and oddities than a Ripley’s museum.
SOFTWARE THAT WON’T UNINSTALL“File GS^&FVCBM7.ini is missing and the un-installation will abort.” So because a file you don’t want is not there, you can’t get rid of the rest of the damn thing! WHY? If it is not there, then GOOD! Who thought this was a good idea? Can you imagine a contractor stating “I’m sorry, I can not replace your windows because that one there downstairs on your house, was broken before we started… You’ll have to get that fixed before we can get rid of it.”
ERROR CODES“An exceptional error of 325.7612.2233 VER.6.3.1 has occurred”. Has it really? Well thanks to your detailed, and often inaccurate analysis of the situation, all I need to do is consult my O.C.D book of computer errors to discover that what has happened is something simple has happened that any idiot can understand, such as my internal ROM bus has had a non-sequential parser error, and thus the computer needs rebooting, as it seems to require on about 99.99% of all errors.
CHEATINGYou are playing a team you have beaten already this season 56-0, But suddenly, what is this? This computer controlled team has taken on mystic powers and abilities that have transformed it into a team easily capable of slaying your feeble powers. I mean come on, if you are going to cheat me, at least lead me on a little and steal the victory with a field goal six seconds from the end of the game. Don’t make it so obvious!
REALLY PATHETIC PHISHING / ADWARE SCAMSYes, that Nigerian prince in exile really does want to give a complete stranger $5m for simply letting him put a bit of his cash into your account and I’ve lost track of the number of banks who have contacted me asking me for my non-existent account information with them or indeed any bank I am with, have been with, or could possibly be with in the future. If this is the best most hackers/phishers can do then we shouldn’t prosecute them, we should pity them.
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START UPFrustration with your machine can begin before the machine is ready to use. Too many programs in your start-up, dreadful Anti Virus software, registry problems, various types of malicious software or even just a full, or elderly, hard disk can all slow the start up time of your PC to a crawl. It really is no fun to have to arrive at work at 8am Sunday to switch your PC on, to begin work at 9am Monday.
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THE VIRUS THREATWhy do virus software programs make it seem like every possible virus is the electronic equivalent of bubonic plague? “Warning: Your system is infected with the Doom Death and Anguish virus… Do you want to leave it and risk your system exploding and then burning down your house and everything in it, or pay a very inflated sum of money each month to us to save you from imminent doom!”
L…A…G…You can be conversing merrily on Messenger for hours on end, when suddenly you will reach the time when the servers start to fill up. Suddenly you go from chatting quite happily to your friend in Tanzania, to…hav…ing…to..wait…pain…fully…for…ever..y…other…word…to… and then it hangs and you have to reset the machine. We can put a man on the moon but we cannot solve the lag problem?
ARE YOU SURE?“Do you want to delete this file?” You click yes. “If you delete this file, then you won’t be able to use it anymore. Are you sure you really want to delete it?” Well, yes that is what I mean when I try to delete something. I want rid of it. “Are you REALLY sure you want to delete it? This is your last chance…” YES! I want you to delete it. “File Deleted… Well not really, I’ve stored it here anyway should you decide to change your mind…” Aaagggghhhhhhh!
SPELL & GRAMMAR CHECKERSThese should be useful items and in many situations they are, however in some they are worse than useless and the advice they offer is, at times, quite brilliantly vague. A wiggly green line under your sentence means “Fragment (consider revising).” Really? (This incidentally got a wiggly green line by itself, despite being a perfectly acceptable one word question). Well, I’ve considered revising and the only thing I am revising will be the grammar settings on the software.
HIBERNATE MODEWhy the hell do we have this as an option when we close down? Who thinks to themselves “I don’t need to use this computer for a while, but I don’t want to save any electricity, so I will just keep it running.” Of course the reason for this is in my first complaint. The reason we have it is that it takes so bloody long for the things to start up from cold, that most office workers across the country would rather kill the planet than have to switch their PC’s on from cold in the morning.